


love is a lesson that i can't learn (so i make the same mistakes at each familiar turn)

by tea_the_turtleduck



Series: Naomily Playlist Project [2]
Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 19:50:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_the_turtleduck/pseuds/tea_the_turtleduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times Naomi ran away from Emily and one time she didn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love is a lesson that i can't learn (so i make the same mistakes at each familiar turn)

**one.**

It was on a rainy morning, the first day of middle school that Naomi Campbell first saw Emily Fitch (and, by extension, Katie Fitch— though Naomi honestly didn't give a rat's arse about her even then). It was kind of difficult to miss her—them—what with their flaming red hair, and the fact that they were twins. But besides these things, Naomi didn't know what it was about Emily that made her train her attention on her and her alone. If anything, it should have been Katie, loud, obnoxious Katie, with her skimpy outfit, that should have caught her attention like it did everybody else.

Naomi didn't exactly have much experience by way of getting her education in an academic institution. Until that day, she had been home-schooled by her mum and her group of hippie friends. Time and time again, her mum had ranted about how scholastic education trained people on how to be mindless drones, preparing them to enter the rat-race that would ensure the perpetuation of the consumerist and environmentally-damaging culture of the world today. So when her mum told her she was enrolling at Woodridge, Naomi gave her an incredulous look.

"Really, mum? After all these years of raging against the machine, you're putting me in an institution you have shown nothing but distaste of?"

"Now, love, one cannot possibly overthrow the system without gaining an understanding of how it works firsthand." Gina took a sip of her black coffee. "Besides, I am confident that we have armed you with sufficient ammunition to be able to withstand the indoctrination they do at these places. And while I do admit that such institutions promote zombification, there are some advantages to be gained by going through them. Access to good tertiary education in certain universities, for one." Naomi looked unimpressed. Gina sighed. "Sylvia, Virginia and I have talked about this a lot the past few months, and believe me, we have looked into all the pros and cons of sending you to school, and we've come to the conclusion that this will be good for you in the long run."

"Glad to know that you found it worthwhile to inform me of your decision then," said Naomi icily. "For fuck's sake, this is my education, my _life_ that you people have been discussing behind my back! Don't I get to have a say in this?"

Gina looked at her with a mild expression, the one which she usually wore when she thought that Naomi was being unreasonable. Naomi hated that look. "Of course you do. You still have the final say whether or not you want to go."

"So, wow, are we equating a referendum with a consultation now?"

"Well, if you think this is a bad idea, then you can choose not to go and we can carry on as we have been doing." Naomi didn't reply to this. Gina sighed again and stood up. "But think about it, love. You've said that you want to change the world, and, as much as it galls me to say this, you will need to have the credentials to your name. This is a step to that." When she was at the doorway, she turned around and said, "I believe in you, Naomi."

And just like that, Naomi grudgingly agreed to enrol in Woodridge, which thankfully didn't have a dress code like those other swanky private schools that they wouldn't be able to afford anyway.

(And yet, Naomi couldn't help but feel excited at the prospect of actually being with people her own age, of making _friends_ —because god knows that none of the strangers living in their house even bothered to get to know her or her mum. Ungrateful bastards, the lot of them.)

Naomi had been cursing under her breath as she parked her bike on the rack at the bike-shed, having had the misfortune of getting caught in the rain on her way to school. She ran her hand through her damp brown hair in an attempt to fix it into something more presentable, and less like the fur of a drowned rat.

 _So much for even bothering to make a good first impression, eh?_ she thought wryly to herself.

She checked the contents of her bag to see if her things managed to have a better luck than she did. Thank fuck, they did. She sighed and turned back to making sure that she had locked her bike. She smoothed down her oversized military jacket and her blue skirt. She took a deep breath before turning around and joining the throng of students going into the school building.

But there seemed to be a bottleneck at the entrance. Naomi stood on her tiptoes to see what the fuss was all about, cursing a bit that she wasn't any taller. Eventually, though, she saw what these people were fawning over: a flashy girl with an even flashier hair the colour of blood. The girl was preening under all the attention and Naomi noted with distaste the thick make-up on her face, the tight fit of her leopard-print top (which made Naomi cringe), and the short hem of her skirt that showed off a bit of her arse.

Naomi rolled her eyes and was about to elbow her way through the crowd when she saw _her_. Trailing behind the red-haired girl was another red-haired girl that looked like the first one.

 _Twins_ , Naomi realized as she took a brief glance back at the first girl.

Unlike the first girl, the second girl didn't draw much attention to herself; in fact, she seemed to be blending into the crowd and Naomi wondered if anybody else noticed that the girl they were gawking at had a twin. Intrigued, Naomi found herself staring at this silent girl and noted her pale skin that contrasted nicely with her red hair. The girl also had such soft brown eyes, like damp earth, that seemed to regard the pathetic spectacle before her with the same distaste that Naomi felt. It made Naomi smile. Even though (or maybe because) the girl was wearing a tired, pensive look on her face, Naomi thought she looked beautiful.

When she realized what she had been thinking, Naomi furrowed her brows. It didn't make sense to think one twin beautiful and the other not, or rather, to think someone like that girl, quiet and unobtrusive, beautiful at all. Naomi shook her head and turned to look at the girl again and found those brown eyes looking back at her.

Naomi felt something lodge in her throat and her heart skip a beat. She ducked her head and hastily made her way through the crowd.

When she was safe inside the building, her back against the wall, she allowed herself to breathe. As she gathered her wits, she thought how silly she had acted, running away just because some girl looked at her.

But when she realized that her face was burning up in a fierce blush and that her heart was still pounding like crazy and the image of that girl with the deep brown eyes seared into her brain, running away didn't seem so silly after all.

 

**two.**

Naomi didn't exactly do parties; she considered herself above this barbaric ritual that people her age seemed eager to engage in. For her, parties were merely excuses for these horny teenagers to act even more stupidly than they usually did. But after much prodding from her mum—that nosy cow—how Naomi should try harder to socialize with her peers, she relented.

Naomi didn't even know whose party this was; it was one of those open-invitation types so almost the entire school and a whole other group of people she had never laid eyes on before were there, dancing and snogging and pissing themselves off.

She sighed, leaning against the wall, well out of the way. She was nursing a bottle of vodka she had nicked from the kitchen, hoping that it would help make this whole ordeal more bearable.

 _Three fucking years and nothing much has changed,_ she mused to herself. The only things that had really changed were her physical appearance: her hair, now a platinum blond—she had it dyed last year; and the three inches in height from her growth spurt last summer. _Still a friendless bitch._ Her expression turned stony and she raised the bottle to her lips, taking a huge gulp.

When she caught sight of a flash of red hair, her heartbeat sped up.

 _Relax_ , she told herself. _It's probably just Katie. It's not—_

Emily Fitch.

That girl who had been on her mind ever since she first saw her and, despite Naomi's attempts to convince herself otherwise, the reason for the changes, the subtle ones, that came over her in the course of three years. Changes that she still wasn't sure were the good kind.

Emily's eyes flickered around the room as if she was searching for something, or for someone. _Probably Katie_ , Naomi thought with a wry smile. Truth be told, Naomi thought that Emily would be better off without her evil twin. She was so much more, Naomi could tell. She had seen her working on various projects like photography with a zeal that her twin Katie had only shown when talking about her boyfriend(s) or shopping or when she was flirting with some fit boy. She had seen how one word or look from Katie, Emily would grudgingly drop whatever it was she was doing to attend to her.

It really pissed Naomi off.

And normally, she would be scoffing at anyone who allowed themselves to be walked over and bossed around, but for some reason, she couldn't do that to Emily. It was frustrating, just like Emily's entire existence. Frustrating and intriguing.

It didn't help that since last year, it seemed like Emily was making it a habit of staring at Naomi. Like proper fucking staring at her, with those doe eyes of hers just looking at her as if she was really seeing her, seeing all the thoughts and feelings that Naomi was trying to hide. Things that Naomi couldn't understand herself but which made her insides twist in a way that she couldn't determine if it was pleasant or uncomfortable.

Emily Fitch was making her feel things that Naomi wasn't sure she should be feeling in the first place. Things like wanting to be close to Emily, to actually be with her and talk, to touch her maybe, to find out if she was as fragile and breakable as she seemed to be.

(To kiss her.)

It was honestly fucking Naomi up inside and there have been times when these feelings would unsettle her so much, she would feel compelled to snog the next boy that made a pass at her. Most times, she was properly pissed, of course. But no matter how much she willed herself to get into the moment, she couldn't and she would always end up pushing the boy away, especially when the tosser was getting too handsy. Needless to say, it didn't improve her reputation but Naomi never really did give a fuck about that.

Naomi wasn't afraid of anything.

(Except, perhaps, of what Emily was making her feel.)

Emily's eyes landed on Naomi and Naomi thought that the vodka was doing its work because she wasn't looking away, as she was wont to do. Instead, she watched as Emily made her way through the crowd towards her. Despite herself, Naomi felt her lips quirking up into a smile.

"Hey," greeted Emily when she was in front of Naomi.

"Hey to you, too." Naomi took another swig from the bottle. "If you're looking for Katie, I haven't seen her."

"No, I wasn't—" Emily paused, took a deep breath before continuing. "I was actually looking for you."

Naomi quirked a brow up then smirked. "Well, congratulations, you found me."

"Yeah," Emily breathed. "Yeah, I did."

Even through the haze of alcohol, Naomi noted that this was the first time that she and Emily actually spoke to each other. That brief introduction at the Green Club meeting didn't count, even though Naomi sweated buckets and rehearsed what she would say a million times. In the end, all Naomi said was Emily's name to call her attention, and then her own name to introduce herself and a few words on how they were in the same classes. Then afterwards, Naomi felt her knees grow weak and that she was out of breath as if she had just finished the Great Northern Run.

It was almost pathetic, really. No, it was _absolutely_ pathetic.

Naomi felt the buzzing in her head ease up a bit, and with it the familiar feeling of nervousness that she felt whenever she was around Emily. She cleared her throat. "I'm going out for a smoke."

Then without really waiting for a response, she started to make her way to the door.

But Emily spoke up, "I'll come with you."

And that was how they ended up at the back porch, which, thankfully, was free of other people. Naomi let the cold night air wash away the burning feeling on her face, on her body. She began digging her pockets for fags and her lighter.

"Here, let me hold that for you." Emily made a gesture to take the bottle of vodka from Naomi.

Naomi surrendered the bottle without a word. She finally found her pack, took a fag and placed it between her lips before lighting it up. She exhaled a steady stream of smoke that floated up to the moon. For a moment, she felt at peace.

"Do you mind if I take a sip?"

Naomi turned to Emily and blinked. Then her eyes fell on the vodka. She smiled. "Go ahead."

Emily smiled back before tipping the bottle to her lips. Naomi watched with fascination how the mouth of the bottle touched Emily's pink lips, how Emily's pale throat seemed even paler in the moonlight.

How she looked so fucking beautiful.

These words almost escaped Naomi's lips and when Emily lowered the bottle and turned towards her, Naomi felt stuck.

"Trade?" When Naomi didn't respond, Emily prodded. "Vodka for the fag?"

Naomi just nodded and handed the fag to Emily as she took the bottle from her. She took a swig, relishing the burn at the pit of her stomach. When she put down the bottle and turned back to Emily, she found her staring at her in the way she always did, the fag in between her fingers forgotten. And yet, Naomi noted that there was something slightly different with Emily's look this time. Maybe it was the way Emily's eyes kept flicking to Naomi's lips. Or maybe it was the hungry, determined look on her face.

Whatever it was, Naomi found herself frozen as Emily moved closer to her until their faces were only inches away. Naomi could feel Emily's breath on her lips and she swallowed in anticipation of what was to come.

It was everything and nothing that Naomi had expected it to be. Emily's mouth was soft and warm and gentle, not like the mouths of those boys, so sloppy and careless, hard and bruising. Naomi could vaguely register Emily's hand resting on her hip, anchoring her to this moment. It was only a brief kiss, and when Naomi felt Emily pulling away, she found herself trailing after her a bit.

Naomi opened her eyes and saw wonder with a hint of nervousness in Emily's wide brown eyes. Naomi wanted Emily to kiss her again but couldn't find the words to say it. But the look in Emily's eyes changed into something that made Naomi's breath catch. After a beat, Emily licked her lips before leaning up to press another kiss to Naomi's lips. This time, Naomi pushed back, wanting to be able to feel more of Emily, to discover what a kiss should be like.

"Emily, are you out here?"

Both Naomi and Emily sprang away from each other, but a second too late. There, standing by the doorway was Katie Fitch, looking shocked and confused. Then her face screwed up in disgust.

"What the _fuck_?!"

"Katie—" Emily began but couldn't seem to make herself say anything more than that. She glanced at Naomi, and Naomi could see the panic rising in her eyes. But she couldn't bring herself to say anything either, not when all she could hear was blood pounding in her ears, or feel that her entire body was growing cold with dread.

Her throat was suddenly dry and all she could manage was to croak, "I-I have to go."

And with that, she turned on her heels and left, leaving Emily alone with Katie. When she had rounded off the block, she began running as fast as she could.

It was only when her lungs were ready to burst and her legs about to give out that she stopped. Despite herself, she checked over her shoulder if anybody followed her.

 _Of course not_ , she thought to herself with a bitter smile. She leaned against the brick wall of a house, sliding down until she was sitting on the ground. She pressed the heels of her palm against her eyes. _Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fucking coward! Fucking shit!_

A sob escape her lips and she pressed them together again to prevent any more from spilling out. She couldn't tell what exactly she was feeling; it was like this mess of emotions was swirling inside her. She twisted her head to the side and vomited.

She kept on retching until she felt empty inside and her throat was burning. She wiped the sick from her mouth, couldn't give a toss on how she was now dirty and smelly and disgusting. She gulped in the cold night air, willing herself to calm down. After a while, she got up on her wobbly knees, leaning heavily against the wall for support.

The swirling mess of emotions had ebbed somewhat, but in its place, Naomi felt something else. Something raw and cold and jagged.

Terror.

Naomi couldn't remember how she had managed to get herself home that night. What she did remember was lying on her bed, parsing this feeling of terror, wondering if she was afraid of Katie, and everybody else, finding out about her and Emily.

It was only afterwards, when the name-calling and the gossiping started, when somehow the story that she forced herself on Emily got around that she realized that no, she wasn't afraid of that.

(She was afraid of what the kiss meant. That it had confirmed something that Naomi wasn't ready to acknowledge to herself yet.)

It would have been easy to confront Katie and tell her the truth, or to corner Emily and demand to know what she had told Katie. But Naomi didn't give a fuck about what other people thought, much less of what Katie thought, and besides, this gave her a good solid reason to stay away from Emily Fitch.

(She wouldn't let the thought that maybe it was that frozen expression on Emily's face when Katie found them that kept Naomi from correcting their assumptions, in the end.

Emily Fitch meant nothing to her.

Nothing at all.)

 

**three.**

Things started working out in sixth form. Finally, things have been cleared regarding that unfortunate incident last year. Katie Fitch finally stopped those lesbian digs and Naomi now had what she could loosely call her group of friends. Granted they weren't exactly the types of people she had imagined herself to be hanging out with (especially that tosser, Cook) but they did look out for each other in their own ways (except where that mysterious girl, Effy, was concerned), so it was all good.

"Naomi, wait up!"

Okay, maybe not everything.

Naomi turned around with a huff. "Emily."

Emily shifted her weight between her feet, gripping the strap of her bag tighter. "Let's walk to school together, yeah?"

Naomi contemplated making a cutting remark but thought better of it. Besides, it always drained her and made her feel like a complete twat when she was being snappish to Emily, especially when they had patched things up between them and they belonged to the same circle of friends (Naomi thought it was a bit of a stretch to call her and Emily _friends_ ).

Although Emily didn't make it any easier, what with following Naomi around like a lost puppy, and giving her more and more of those doe-eyed looks.

(And the memory of those kisses at Panda's MDMA-fuelled pyjama party.)

Naomi felt her face flush but she covered it with a shake of her head and a weary sigh. "Whatever; do what you like."

Emily's face lit up like Christmas fucking came early this year. Naomi felt something prick her heart at the sight. She heaved another sigh before making her way to the entrance, not daring to look at Emily again.

The more Emily stuck by Naomi's side, the more Naomi found it difficult to stop her heartbeat from speeding up, or to fight the urge to grab Emily's hand or to touch her in some way. (Sometimes, she would even remember them kissing at the party in middle school, at the hallway at Panda's house, at the bouncy castle.)

So she had taken to just avoiding her as much as possible. That way she wouldn't be all mean and bitchy (and have her conscience smote her afterwards) nor suffer through these sensations that Emily's presence inspired.

And then the student council elections happened.

Yes, Naomi cared about student issues and all that shit but no, she didn't want to be the next student council president of this dump. All Naomi wanted was to get through sixth form without much incident and then finally going to the university of her choice and get that tertiary education that her mum had spoken so highly about.

But boy oh boy, Emily just wouldn't let her do that.

"Come on, you know about politics, you're always talking about it."

Naomi turned around with a sigh. "Emily, we've had about three conversations our entire lives. So the idea that you know I'm always talking about anything is a bit ridiculous."

A faint flicker of hurt crossed Emily's eyes. She pressed her lips together before saying, "Okay."

She turned around and Naomi felt bad but she didn't get a chance to dwell on this since Cook appeared out of nowhere.

Feeling guilty at how she had treated Emily and irritated by Cook's yet another indecent proposal, Naomi ended up blurting out something she hadn't meant to be a bet but which Cook to be as such.

Oh bollocks.

After Kieran gave her a talk on the way home, Naomi had more or less decided to run for presidency. It was rather nice having someone believe in her.

It wasn't like she thought less of Emily's opinion or anything, but Naomi had a feeling that Emily encouraging her to run came from a place of her having a crush on Naomi. A crush that may be based on the fact that Emily was gay as the day was long (Naomi's pretty sure of that by now) and she just happened to think that Naomi was more likely to reciprocate—which, well, Naomi would like to think not but somehow, whenever she was faced with the opportunity to kiss Emily, she almost always took it.

So when she opened the door to her room and found Emily sitting on her bed with the registration form, Naomi was a bit thrown off. Persistent, this girl was damn persistent. Naomi couldn't deal with this right now so she ended up refusing—quite rudely—Emily's offer to help.

And Naomi thought that was that; she got rid of Emily for the day. Hooray.

But in an epic fucking twist, one that Naomi didn't expect to happen, like ever, Emily came back and told Naomi off for being such a prick when Emily just wanted to be with her.

Too stunned at the turn of events, Naomi only managed a weak "Thanks."

"You should run for president because I think you'd be good at it. It's that simple, okay?"

"Okay." And because Naomi's brain was still trying to process what just happened, she blurted out, "Then you should... stay."

Naomi flinched the moment those words came out of her mouth. She wasn't expecting to say that, and by the look of surprise in Emily's face, neither did she. But Emily recovered way faster than Naomi did and answered with, "Thanks, I will."

When they started brainstorming for campaign slogans, Naomi found that Emily was right. It was rather nice, them hanging out like they were mates. Maybe Naomi was just overthinking things. Yes, Emily was gay and yes, she may have a crush on Naomi and yes, Naomi may have been a bit eager to kiss Emily back but so fucking what? They could still be good mates, yeah? Emily was rather fun to be with; she was witty and funny and fuck, Naomi felt a pang at the thought that she was only discovering these now.

From the first time she laid eyes on her, Naomi knew there was more to Emily than being Katie's doormat twin. But, she realized, that she had never really gotten around to actually learning things about her. Sure, Naomi had picked up on details like how Emily loved taking photographs or how if she had set her mind on something, she would pursue it doggedly (i.e. Naomi). But things like what really went on inside Emily's head, or how she felt about this and that, Naomi realized that she had no fucking clue at all.

And it seemed like such a shame now, now that Naomi found that hearing about Emily's ideas, talking with her and actually just being close to her (without fretting that they might kiss or something) made her feel warm and comfortable and... less lonely. Like for the first time, somebody actually cared enough about her to hear her out and give their own ideas in return without making Naomi feel that her opinions were any less important.

But then again, it might just have been the vodka they've been passing to each other.

(Naomi was pretty sure _that_ was what made her ask about what lesbians do in bed anyway.)

When she woke up the next morning to the sight of red hair on the pillow beside her, there was that momentary feeling of calm and contentment washing over her. No surprise or consternation like with all the others who had shared her bed, which, to be perfectly clear, were usually the homeless people that her mum had taken into their house. In fact, Naomi imagined briefly of more mornings like this, of waking up to somebody so beautiful and brilliant and who actually cared about her.

She reached out to touch the red hair in front of her, half-expecting it to burn her fingertips. But it was soft and cool and it made her insides melt with a feeling she hadn't felt before. This lasted for only a brief second before she realized what she was doing.

"Fuck's sake." She rolled away from her bed. She went around to the foot of the bed to gather her clothes, only glancing back when she heard Emily shift, turning to face the place where Naomi had been and it almost seemed like she was reaching out for her, searching for Naomi even in her sleep.

"What are you doing?" Naomi muttered, and it wasn't clear to her if that question was directed to Emily or to herself. Not like it mattered anyway. She sneaked out of her room, careful not to wake Emily.

It was only when she was cycling on her way to school that she realized how silly and pathetic she acted. How _cowardly_. What was she avoiding anyway?

But these thoughts were driven out of her mind the moment she saw the fucking huge poster of Cook's face and his ridiculous (albeit definitely attention-grabbing) campaign. She stopped beside Freddie, watching Cook make his rally at the top of the building.

It was quite obvious that something happened to the formerly-inseparable trio and Naomi had a pretty good idea what.

"Is this about Effy?"

Freddie glanced at her before giving a short laugh. "That obvious, is it?"

"So tell her."

"I did." He turned to her again. "It should make a difference when someone loves you, shouldn't it?"

Naomi didn't know what to say to that and it wasn't like Freddie was expecting an answer anyway. She watched him walk away, the weight of his words bearing down on her. She took one last look at Cook before making her way to the bike-shed.

And as if on cue, Emily appeared out of nowhere. Naomi felt her insides grow cold, expecting a question as to why she left so early at best, or a telling-off, like the one yesterday, at worst. But surprisingly—Emily was full of surprises, Naomi was starting to realize more and more—Emily took it all in a stride, showing her the flyers she had made in anticipation (which, despite herself, made Naomi's heart melt a little), and even bringing up the topic that Naomi so badly wanted to broach but couldn't.

"I got the message, Naomi; I'll manage." There was a hint of sadness there but Emily quickly followed it up with, "But there is one thing, though: well, you can't let him win now, can you?"

And there was that smile on her face that Naomi couldn't help return, despite feeling like a massive cunt for how she had acted and how, in contrast, Emily was still being nice to her.

Naomi resolved to try harder then, both in her presidential campaign and in treating Emily better. And she thought she was doing a pretty good job until that incident at the cafeteria where Cook was being the wanker that he was, screwing up her rally and making a jab at her and Emily (which shouldn't really have bothered her since it has been clear to both of them that there was nothing between them, and yet—).

So she ended up turning onto Emily and yelling at her to leave her alone.

And her day took another turn for the worse when Kieran, fucking Kieran, that mad politics teacher she fucking trusted, snogged her when she went to him for comfort. Everything was so fucked up and all she could do was rush home, lock herself in her room and cry.

And it was like Emily wouldn't leave her alone, even when she wasn't there physically.

There on her bed was a little note that simply said: _Emily slept here :-)_

Naomi crumpled the note and threw it across the room. "Fuck off!"

But eventually, she picked the note up again, smoothing it out and staring at it, feeling a sense of calm and comfort creeping up to her, like somehow this note, this reminder of Emily's presence, was something she needed.

She didn't realize she fell asleep. She woke up with the note sticking to her face and Emily's name on her cheek. She took it a sign and she called her up.

Emily picked up after two rings and her voice bore a mixture of surprise and confusion, and a hint of wariness. "Hello?"

"Can we go somewhere?"

There was only a slightest bit of hesitation before Emily was saying, "Sure. Where?"

"Anywhere."

Emily didn't tell her where they were going, and Naomi didn't mind not knowing. She found herself trusting Emily, and frankly, it didn't really matter where they went, just as long they were together.

Along the way, Naomi started to forget everything that had happened the day before. It was strange and not altogether unwelcome, how Emily managed to make her laugh and feel that she could be safe with her. That somehow, timid Emily Fitch could protect her, like how she had stood up to Cook at the cafeteria. And Naomi thought that Emily was really brave and strong underneath that meek exterior. Unlike her who could dish out barbed remarks but would easily fold under pressure.

They arrived at a beautiful lake that took Naomi's breath away. And before she knew it, they were stripping down and jumping into the freezing water. This wasn't something Naomi usually did and had it been with any other person, Naomi doubted she would have let herself be persuaded into doing something so silly.

There was just something about Emily that disarmed her, that made her lower her defences enough to try out new things.

Afterwards, as they sat before the fire, with the rain falling heavily around them—thank fuck for trees and their shade—Naomi felt that they were in a world of their own, safe from all the terrible things out there, away from horny tossers and crazy teachers who snogged students. Here, she could just _be_.

And it wasn't the vodka or the spliff, Naomi thought to herself. Because, to be honest, it was just _Emily_. Emily and her ability to get under Naomi's skin and made her feel like she could do anything, be anything.

When Emily held her hand after throwing a stick into the fire, Naomi couldn't help but think how it felt just right, like they fit together. Emily then proposed doing blowbacks, which Naomi thought was shit but tried anyway. When she pulled away, Emily was wearing that look again, the same one she was wearing that night at the party back in middle school. A look that was part wonder, part anticipation and just pure want.

And Naomi knew that this time was going to be different. There was no buzz from the vodka or the light-headed sensation from MDMA-spiked brownies to blame for what was about to happen. Just Emily and the magic of this lovely place.

She leaned forward for a tentative kiss, followed by another and another, until Emily had her hand on Naomi's neck, holding her close and kissing back and then down her neck like she had been waiting to do this all her life.

(Maybe she has.)

They broke apart long enough to take each other's jumpers off before Naomi surged forward to kiss Emily again, this time with no hesitation, only a wild desperation, finally letting herself go, letting herself do what she had wanted to do even back in middle school. They got rid of their t-shirts along the way, their momentum not at all broken and it was actually going too fast, and before Naomi knew it, Emily was kissing down her body until she reached the spot between her legs. There was no time for Naomi to feel embarrassed at how wet she had gotten because Emily was running her tongue along the length of her over her knickers and god, she was coming harder and faster than she had ever come before.

Emily brought her down with gentle kisses before slowly making her way up again. She pressed a few kisses on Naomi's lips and Naomi could almost taste herself on Emily mouth. Emily pulled back a little and Naomi missed the contact immediately but Emily was asking, "Was that okay?"

And Naomi could only chuckle as she remembered Emily's denial yesterday about knowing anything about lesbian sex. If this was her not knowing, then fuck, what was she like if she actually knew. And just the thought made Naomi wet again and really, that was making her the gay one here now, and fine, what just happened, what was happening pretty much confirmed that she was at least _a little bit_ gay and fuck, Emily was looking so goddamn earnest and beautiful and Naomi had half-a-mind to speak but—

This was no time for words and speaking only made Naomi think and thinking wasn't something she wanted to do. Not right now, at least.

So she crushed her lips against Emily's, pushing her back until Emily was the one lying flat on the ground. Naomi didn't think she could do what Emily just did and, remembering vaguely what Emily said about doing things what they do to themselves but only to each other, Naomi trailed her hand down to Emily's stomach. When she reached the hem of Emily's knickers, she pulled back to look at Emily's eyes, silently asking for her consent. For a moment, Emily looked dazed, and Naomi didn't really want to have to say the words, but fortunately Emily seemed to realize what Naomi was asking. Naomi saw Emily swallow before nodding, her own hand reaching down to cover Naomi's, guiding it under her knickers and fuck—this was it, this was really happening, Naomi was actually doing this with another girl.

Emily guided her hand at first but Naomi soon found a rhythm and it didn't take long for Emily to shudder underneath her, her breath coming out in small gasps and Naomi thought she even heard her name.

Naomi withdrew her hand once Emily had stilled in her movements and they kissed for a while before the cold finally got to them. Shivering yet flushed and giddy, they dressed themselves, giggling all the while and snatching shy glances at each other. They decided to just cuddle for warmth and Naomi couldn't think of any reason why not, still high from that wonderful thing that just happened between them.

As they were holding each other close, Emily whispered against Naomi's throat, "That was amazing."

Naomi didn't say anything since she could tell that Emily was seconds away from falling asleep, judging by the way her entire body was relaxing and the way she had mumbled her words. When Naomi felt Emily's breathing had evened out in the rhythm of sleep, she pressed a kiss on top of Emily's head and whispered back, "Yeah."

The sun was already up when Naomi woke up. Emily was still curled in her arms and Naomi felt something warm in her chest at the sight and feel of her. But it took only a second before Naomi stiffened as the events of the night before came back to her, and with them the familiar feeling of terror of what these could mean.

She had to go, and fast, before Emily woke up.

Despite panicking inside, Naomi made it a point to be gentle in extricating her arm from underneath a still-sleeping Emily. It was all too much and she felt the cold spreading throughout her body as she stood up and made her way to her bike.

When she saw that she had to lift Emily's bike off hers, she thought grimly that it was just so fucking typical. And despite feeling the same urge she felt yesterday when she threw Emily's note across the room, she made it a point to lay Emily's bike gently to the ground, in a way that had nothing to do with wanting to be stealthy but everything with the realization that she was doing this again.

She was running away again.

(She was breaking Emily's heart again.)

That was it, she thought, why instead of getting on her bike and speeding away from this place, she had opted to push it instead, walking away so slowly, as if doing so would make it any different from what it actually was.

She didn't get too far when she heard Emily wake up and rush after her, demanding her to stop running away. And because Naomi was a total fucking coward, she couldn't bring herself to have this conversation with Emily, turning back to the road and walking just a little bit faster and not much more because her knees had gone weak and she felt her insides twisting in a way that made her want to vomit. Or cry.

"I know you, Naomi. I know you're lonely," Emily was saying, and for a moment, Naomi was afraid that Emily would run after her, would stop her, would force her to confront all the things that Naomi still wasn't ready to face.

But Emily stopped though she didn't stop from calling out to her. "I think you need someone to want you." Naomi heard the tears in her voice, breaking it, and it broke something in Naomi, too. "Well, I do want you," Emily plodded on and despite everything in Naomi screaming that she should turn back now, that she should just give in and stop this fuckery that was only hurting them both in the end, she continued on her way.

"So be brave... and want me back."

Emily's voice cracked at the last word and with that, Naomi felt the tears stinging in her eyes. She bit her lip to distract her from the shattering sensation in her chest but it didn't work and she knew she was seconds away from crying. But she couldn't turn back now.

Not when it meant she would have to look at the pain she had caused, she was causing to Emily. Not when she didn't have the answers to all the questions that came with feeling all these things for a girl.

So she did what she knew best.

**four.**

Whenever Naomi paused and thought about how Emily easily forgave her for the shit way Naomi treated her, she would feel her entire body grow cold with shame and hot with anger, both at once. It was a massively uncomfortable feeling, so she would immediately turn her attention to something else to make it go away.

Even so, there was always this thought lurking at the back of her head, that she should be treating Emily better. Despite the fact that she had given into what Emily—and if she was going to be honest—what she herself had wanted all this time, Naomi knew that it wasn't enough. Clandestine kisses and touches may seem to suffice for now but the bit of time she had asked from Emily was soon running out. Naomi could see it in the way Emily looked at her, the want in them even after they made love; she could feel it in Emily's fingers, when they would linger on Naomi's skin; sometimes, she even thought she could hear it, hear the words that Emily was obviously biting down, marring each pauses in their conversations.

Emily was holding back for now, but Naomi knew that sooner than later, she would find the courage to demand something from Naomi, something that Naomi knew she had every right to ask but something Naomi couldn't find it in her to give. The fire that she had seen in Emily since that rainy morning, the one that had burned low but was palpably there, had been steadily growing; at first with wild flicks, like that day when Emily had dropped by Naomi's house unannounced, but then with each passing day, it was growing with increasing intensity. She could practically see it like an aureole around Emily, making her more beautiful and also more terrifying.

And in a perverse way of thinking, Naomi wished Emily wouldn't be so brave.

As the end of the school year drew near, Naomi knew she had to say something. So when she saw Emily—dressed as Katie, but fuck it, Naomi had always been able to tell, ever since the first moment she had laid eyes on her—by the locker, she gathered the dregs of her courage (she never had much to begin with, she had found out) to tell her that she was going away for the summer.

(Though, really, did announcing beforehand one's intention to run away make it any better, less cowardly than just fucking off without a word?)

And she pre-empted whatever it was that had been lurking underneath Emily's lingering looks and touches with, "Let's just be friends, okay?"

Emily's eyes turned steely. "We say that, don't we?"

Naomi felt the burn of those words, but couldn't say anything to that but a soft "Yeah." She paused. "Have a good summer." She gave a weak smile before turning away, walking away from Emily. Again.

With each step, she felt the cold weight of her cowardice bearing down on her. But she wouldn't look back. She couldn't.

But then—

"I'll miss you."

And with those three simple words, Naomi felt her resolve break. She stopped in her steps, heaved a heavy sigh and shook her head. Emily had a power over her, and it was vain to think that Naomi could ever escape from it. So she turned back and with quick steps, she returned to Emily, pressing her against the lockers and kissing her with such passion, such desperation.

"I can't stand it, I can't," she breathed in between kisses. She could feel Emily's hand curling at the side of her neck, holding her close.

"It's okay," Emily whispered back. "It's okay."

And it must mean something that when they heard people coming in from around the corner, Naomi decided to get out of there, but with Emily, their hands linked together.

They ended up in Naomi's bed, and had a furious session of lovemaking (because that was the only way to call it—not _fucking_ or _shagging_ or plain _having sex_ , but _making love_ ; because that was it, wasn't it, underneath the facade of a casual thing, the core of everything that Naomi was still afraid to talk about), fuelled by desire and really, Naomi still couldn't wrap her head around that somebody, that _Emily_ wanted her this much.

If she could, she would like to remain in the moment when they were making love because then, there was no other people to think about, no repercussions to face for loving another girl, no suffocating feeling of having somebody who wanted more from her, more than what she was ready to give.

But of course, the end always came, and as they were lying on the bed, facing each other, Naomi tried to push the inevitable from coming. She wanted to fall asleep, but the fear and trepidation of what they had just barely avoided talking by the lockers had kept her from succumbing to the post-orgasm bliss.

She ran her hand down Emily's arm, and it was so soft and smooth, but she also knew that it possessed a strength that belied its appearance. Naomi couldn't help but think if this was going to be the last time; and despite herself, she was trying to capture everything about Emily at this moment.

When Emily started speaking, Naomi felt the spell that they were under break and that it was going to be any moment now. So she turned to lie on her stomach, facing away from Emily. Emily talked a bit about her and Katie's shared childhood and how they never kept secrets from each other, and Naomi was thankful for the reprieve.

But because she was an expert of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, Naomi asked, "What about this one?"

There was a pause. Naomi felt her heart stop when she realized that this was it. They were going to talk about it.

"Naomi."

Despite herself, Naomi felt her heart flutter whenever Emily said her name. Like it was safe in her mouth. But Emily's next words snapped her out of her haze.

"I want to tell people."

And because Naomi would rather play dumb than aid Emily in this conversation (which, to Emily's credit, she was handling with loads more tact and finesse than Naomi could ever do), she asked, "That you're gay?"

"I want to tell people about us."

Despite having anticipated this for a while now, Naomi found that she still didn't know what to say to this and she wished that her silence would dissuade Emily from pursuing this conversation.

No such luck, though.

"Come to the college ball with me, like we're... together."

Naomi's eyes fluttered close and she let out a sigh. "I don't want to do that."

"Why not?"

Naomi knew that this could only end badly and she really should be trying to diffuse the tension, to say something that could appease Emily, even for just a little bit longer. But at the same time, she knew that Emily wouldn't be taking half-arsed excuses from her anymore. Naomi could tell from the changes that had come over Emily recently, how she had been defying Katie's whims, how she was starting to speak up and expressing what she wanted, how frustration lined her words when Naomi was being difficult. Like now.

This, and the fact that Naomi was just plain shit at saying the right things, made the conversation spiral down the drain in record time.

She could see it now, clearer, nearer than ever: the end of this, the end of them. Naomi felt something lodge at her throat, and tears prickling in her eyes.

"Come to the college ball with me."

Emily's voice was muffled since she had turned away but Naomi could distinctly hear the finality of this request. That this was going to be the last time Emily asked anything from Naomi and that if she refused, it really would be over.

If Naomi was being honest, it wasn't Emily's growing strength and courage that frustrated her; it was Naomi's inability to keep up, her being stuck in this quagmire of doubts and fears. And there seemed to be no way out of it, that even in the face of the possibility of losing Emily, Naomi still couldn't find it in her to be brave.

So when she still couldn't make herself say what they both wanted to hear, Naomi wasn't surprised though it didn't mean she hated herself any less.

And it seemed like Emily felt the same way. She got up from the bed and Naomi could tell she was fucking angry.

"Don't do that," she tried to appeal weakly.

"No, _you_ don't do that. I'm not your _fucking_ experiment!" Naomi turned to look at Emily, who was dressing herself quickly and quite haphazardly, which only served to cut Naomi deeper. Not only did Emily want to leave, she wanted to do it as soon as possible. "Where are my fucking—my fucking shoes! Oh fuck it, keep them."

Naomi dropped her eyes as she was suddenly finding it difficult to breathe, like Emily was taking all the air with her. She swallowed the lump in her throat and willed herself not to cry.

Emily turned to look at her. "I'm tired. So sick and tired of it."

Naomi raised her eyes to meet Emily's, because fuck it, if this was the end, then she wanted to take as much mental pictures of Emily as possible, even if these were of her being so angry and disappointed at Naomi's cowardice. But then, Emily's expression changed and there was just a look of sadness and weariness.

"Still holding hands through a cat-flap, aren't we?" She paused, giving Naomi one last chance to make her stay. But Naomi still couldn't. The look of disappointment returned to Emily's eyes. "Have fun in Cyprus."

And with one last lingering look, Emily went out of the door and was gone. Naomi held her tears in by taking a deep breath, as if doing so would keep time from moving forward. Even if she did manage to stop time, it was already too late.

As she lay still on her bed, Naomi wondered why despite the fact that it was Emily who left, it still felt like it was her who had run away.

 

**one.**

"I love you, too."


End file.
